Poem - plz read (2 Viewers)

[Brontecat]

Does anyone else think this poem has "Twilight" written all over it?

i totally agree


Many ppl who critiqued the poem are in fact much older and are looking at this poem the wrong way. In poetry it is important to look at audience, context and purpose. With the purpose of self expression, a context that allows for simplicity and relatibility it successfully address' its audience of young teenagers.

Good work

 

[Tulipa]

i totally agree


Many ppl who critiqued the poem are in fact much older and are looking at this poem the wrong way. In poetry it is important to look at audience, context and purpose. With the purpose of self expression, a context that allows for simplicity and relatibility it successfully address' its audience of young teenagers.

Good work

Are you kidding me?

Even at 16 or 17 I would've thought this was a cliched piece of shit. Because it is. Don't dumb down your work for your supposed audience. Be aware of an audience but don't patronise them.

There are about a thousand things she could do to make this poem better. Spell check, proper punctuation, more specific phrasing (i.e. not crappy adjectives like "pale and cold"), more realistic imagery, more 'show, don't tell' and less tears.

You can write on a cliched topic - i.e. sadness - without the poem itself being one.

 

[Brontecat]

i suppose i do see your point especially in relation to the imagery, it could have been a little bit more emotive

but then when i look again and think about books such as twilight it does match quiete a bit, yes i know that twilight is not written in the best manner but it does show that these type of things do sell

 

[Born Dancer]

i suppose i do see your point especially in relation to the imagery, it could have been a little bit more emotive

but then when i look again and think about books such as twilight it does match quiete a bit, yes i know that twilight is not written in the best manner but it does show that these type of things do sell

dude, you're an idiot.

 

[jennieTalia]

the darkness grows underneath her skin
the love has left her to die
the happyness that was once there has beckoned
beckond at her , for her , f...for her to pass on to a new life

Her soul roaming the lifeless earth that she has been forsaken to
one last glimps of hope , one glimps of life , one glimps of a last chance
the angel appears taking her now pale hand
with one last breath the angel speaks in a concerned tone

the tear rolls of her sweet cheek so pale and cold
slowly the thought of the angel fades away
leaving her in complete darkness
slowly she drop down to the floor nothing left to help her life go on

she will always miss the way the sweet flowers smelled
the way the beach smiled in the sun
the way he used to make her heart race
she will miss life and love itself

My own critique... feel free to disagree
Spelling and Grammar check. I find it really distracting to see poor editing.

I liked the idea of including a line of stuttering in the poem, although this could have been done in direct speech maybe, to give it a sense of immediacy?
I think that some of the ideas are good, if not a bit overdone, such as the angel speaking with "one last breath" which evokes questions in me about whether the Angel is dying etc which goes against notions that I have always had about the angel thing .

Maybe use some different words other than slowly, one last and pale. This may help it to achieve more depth.

At the same time, everyones poetry is somewhat dear to them no matter what other people say. Personally, it isn't my cup of tea... but I've never been a twilight reader nor a huge romantic.

It is nice to see such a broad array of opinions in this forum

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

My own critique... feel free to disagree
Spelling and Grammar check. I find it really distracting to see poor editing.

I liked the idea of including a line of stuttering in the poem, although this could have been done in direct speech maybe, to give it a sense of immediacy?
I think that some of the ideas are good, if not a bit overdone, such as the angel speaking with "one last breath" which evokes questions in me about whether the Angel is dying etc which goes against notions that I have always had about the angel thing .

Maybe use some different words other than slowly, one last and pale. This may help it to achieve more depth.

At the same time, everyones poetry is somewhat dear to them no matter what other people say. Personally, it isn't my cup of tea... but I've never been a twilight reader nor a huge romantic.

It is nice to see such a broad array of opinions in this forum

thank u ill work on it ... yes my angel was dying D= lol sorry about my spelling lol spelling isnt my strong point ... and ok thanks ^.^

 

[jennieTalia]

thank u ill work on it ... yes my angel was dying D= lol sorry about my spelling lol spelling isnt my strong point ... and ok thanks ^.^

No worries.
Put it into Microsoft Word and voila instant spell check for you

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

No worries.
Put it into Microsoft Word and voila instant spell check for you

lol i cant not on this computer anyway xD

 

[snowconesyum]

i just have to believe that most of these people are trolls... please be trolls..

 

[Empyrean444]

i totally agree


Many ppl who critiqued the poem are in fact much older and are looking at this poem the wrong way. In poetry it is important to look at audience, context and purpose. With the purpose of self expression, a context that allows for simplicity and relatibility it successfully address' its audience of young teenagers.

Good work

\

That is true, but so are things like form, structure, content, technical artifice etc. Bear in mind these often overlooked things actually do something - they are used in most canonical poetry for a reason.

If, however, you must persist with this style, may I suggest you at least punctuate the poem? Things like full stops, colons, dashes, semi-colons, exclamation and question marks...something more that two commas for umpteen lines.

 

[miracle_emmy]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This poem is fine,but...ha ha ha,
I bet you thought I'd whinge too!

I think this is a good effort. I think it's not bad for year 10, i am in year 10 too!(lol).
Don't put yourself down,people will always have opinions and feel the need to express them,say thanks for the compliments and move on...poetry is something that improves consistently so keep writing!

p.s.It reminded me of twilight as well!

 

[x.christina]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This poem is fine,but...ha ha ha,
I bet you thought I'd whinge too!

I think this is a good effort. I think it's not bad for year 10, i am in year 10 too!(lol).
Don't put yourself down,people will always have opinions and feel the need to express them,say thanks for the compliments and move on...poetry is something that improves consistently so keep writing!

p.s.It reminded me of twilight as well!

baddddddddd.

 

[XPac2]

I dontmind the poem. You people are what we in the civilised world refer to as "retards".

 

[08er]

Best poems ever.

Please post more.

agreed. t.s. eliot in the making

 

[miracle_emmy]

baddddddddd.

what do you mean by that?

 

[08er]

what do you mean by that?

is it that hard to understand

 

[miracle_emmy]

is it that hard to understand

yes it is.you need to be more specific.is what i wrote bad,the girl's poem bad or my poetic attempt at humour?
and if your answer is all of this,then thank you,you've officially killed my day.

 

[miracle_emmy]

yes it is.you need to be more specific.is what i wrote bad,the girl's poem bad or my poetic attempt at humour?
and if your answer is all of this,then thank you,you've officially killed my day.

um,i wasn't refering to you,i was refering to the person who originally made that comment,just so you know...

 

[Born Dancer]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This poem is fine,but...ha ha ha,
I bet you thought I'd whinge too!

I think this is a good effort. I think it's not bad for year 10, i am in year 10 too!(lol).
Don't put yourself down,people will always have opinions and feel the need to express them,say thanks for the compliments and move on...poetry is something that improves consistently so keep writing!

p.s.It reminded me of twilight as well!

i think you're going places. that was very witty and clever.

 

[miracle_emmy]

i think you're going places. that was very witty and clever.

awwww,thank you,you just made my day!