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[CLOSED] *FREE* FEEDBACK ON YOUR ENGLISH PARAGRAPHS FROM A BAND 6 STUDENT (2 Viewers)

not_sure

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Mar 9, 2021
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2023
Strengths:
- Really like how you synthesised all three characters' individual experiences with one thing they have in common, rather than just discussing them as separate entities

Opportunities to improve:
- Make sure you explicitly address ALL aspects of the question in your thesis statement (which ideally should be the second sentence of your essay) and also my advice would be to include at least one key word from the question in each sentence of your essay to ensure you're ALWAYS answering the question
- Hopefully, you'll be doing this already, but ensure that you address multiple techniques (3-4) in each of your body paragraphs, and if you want to still talk about your main techniques (paradox, metaphor and personification respectively), you can still focus on them in their respective paragraphs

Hope your essay turns out to be a success, unlike the ending of this play did :(
Hey man, thanks for your feedback - I have taken it on board and edited my intro to look something like this:

The power of language to explore and express how a person views the world allows authors to describe complex worldviews and discuss the social, cultural and spiritual aspects that contribute to them. Language forms and features in Shakespeare’s tragedy Romeo and Juliet are used to highlight the complexity that love brings to how Romeo, Juliet and Friar Lawrence view the world. Even though their individual outlooks are different, these characters share the fact that their worldview has been crafted through an experience with love. This essay will discuss Shakespeare’s use of language to portray love in a way that it influences attitudes, values and beliefs. Furthermore, it will address how this has created themes of social, cultural and spiritual change, as well as character development.

No need to re-feedback me aha, a simple comment'd do. Also yeah not a fan of the ending? I mean it was kinda sad and I liked it I guess. Or am I just a hopeless un-romantic who likes really dramatic finishes.
 

easyAessay

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2018
Parental Rrelationships impact the destiny SOUNDS INFORMAL... TRY FUTURE INSTEAD <-- I don't really agree with this feedback of individuals and mould their intrinsic character. <-- while I don't agree with your teacher's feedback, I think your topic sentence could be more specific and relate to Haddon's portrayal of the issue in the book as well as what he's tryna teach society in general - it's a bit short and vague at the moment Christopher’s harmonious interactions with his father positively eaffect his psyche whilst his experiences with deceit leads to him to develop emotional trauma EXCELLENT. Christopher’s objective language in “Mother died two weeks later” shows that he has taken his father's word CONTEXTUALISE – STATE MOTHER IS DEAD <-- don't worry about this; I think it's understandable from what you've written to someone who's read the book (which is what your audience is) as an indisputable fact, expressing the trust he has forin him. Additionally, Christopher’s emotive language in “I was happy that father didn’t throw book away” demonstrates the fear he experiences when he disobeys his father, symbolising the totalitarian relationship they have together IS THIS TRAUMA INDUCING? WHEN ANALYSING, MAKE REFERENCE TO PC. <-- don't understand what your teacher is saying, but can you address how this totalitarian relationship moulds Christopher's character (as mentioned in topic sentence)? Moreover, Ed Boone’s appraisal of Christopher as a[g]Good man” emphasises how they’re their relationship can be healthy at times. Subsequently, the repetition of “Mother” displays Christopher’s disbelief as a result of learning of his mother’s existence and how his father had been lying to him his whole life. Furthermore, Ed Boone finally tells Christopher’s about the huge lie and how it has placed a heavy burden on him for a living. This sounds unclear, wordy and informal - revise, shown through his confession “I did it for your own good." <-- avoid retelling the story; adds no purpose to the paragraph Christopher shows resilience to his changing, chaotic environment by overcoming the harsh adversities placed upon him from his father and the tragic deception he has faced as a result of his father hiding his mother’s existence SECOND SENTENCE OF RICH EVALUATION REQUIRED. <-- quote? technique? otherwise, this sentence actually relates a lot better to your topic sentence than the other sentences have If the truth is not expressed then parental relationships break apart due to a lack of trust. THE PURPOSE OF THE LINK IS TO HIGHLIGHT SOMETHING SPECIFIC AND UNIQUE ABOUT HADDON’S WRITING AND NARRATIVE STYLE – REVISIT RUBRIC TO CLARIFY MODULE B FOCUS. <-- what your teacher means is that you need some deeper link between your point (how parental relationships are affected by truth-telling) and the module; how do the language techniques Haddon used to convey the point you're addressing impact the audience? what is the audience taught about society overall? maybe how can this specific point about parental relationships be broadened to address a wider, contemporary audience about relationships in general? moreover, this conclusion sentence is too specific; you've talked about a lot of aspects of parental relationships in your paragraph, yet you conclude by only talking about how truth-telling affects them
Strengths:
- Good quote integration
- Good point of the paragraph, but you just need to solidify the PEEL structure (or whatever acronym you use) more

Opportunities to improve:
- Some grammar issues here and there; please brush up on grammar foundations
- In your topic sentence, you talk about how parental relationships can mould someone's character. Yet, I don't see any such analysis throughout your paragraph - mostly just superficial mentioning of what kind of relationship they have. Always ensure you're fully addressing your topic sentence (should be supported by 3-4 quotes and techniques with accompanying analyses)
- As a rule of thumb, don't include extra sentences that are not part of the PEEL paragraph structure

Further resources (Google them):
- Grammar 101: Affect vs. Effect
- The Ultimate The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Cheatsheet
- "Normalcy, Knowledge, and Nature in Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" - a literary criticism that you can directly quote in your essay to impress the markers and show you've considered a wide range of perspectives (including critics)
 

easyAessay

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2018
Hey man, thanks for your feedback - I have taken it on board and edited my intro to look something like this:

The power of language to explore and express how a person views the world allows authors to describe complex worldviews and discuss the social, cultural and spiritual aspects that contribute to them. Language forms and features in Shakespeare’s tragedy Romeo and Juliet are used to highlight the complexity that love brings to how Romeo, Juliet and Friar Lawrence view the world. Even though their individual outlooks are different, these characters share the fact that their worldview has been crafted through an experience with love. This essay will discuss Shakespeare’s use of language to portray love in a way that it influences attitudes, values and beliefs. Furthermore, it will address how this has created themes of social, cultural and spiritual change, as well as character development.

No need to re-feedback me aha, a simple comment'd do. Also yeah not a fan of the ending? I mean it was kinda sad and I liked it I guess. Or am I just a hopeless un-romantic who likes really dramatic finishes.
Much better intro. I especially like the very first sentence, which directly links with your syllabus. One suggestion I'd make is to be more explicit about what each body paragraph will discuss, because I'm just a bit unclear about this. I feel like the last two sentences cover six things in total, which clearly cannot be the case in your essay as you would have only three body paragraphs.

Hahaha yeah I'm not a fan of unhappy endings, especially when the main couple doesn't get together 😭 I can't really comment further, I suppose, since I've never actually read or had to study the play 😯 Who knows - maybe if it was a well-written ending, I might've found a reason to like it!
 

easyAessay

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2018
To what extent does the representation of individuals within your prescribed text reflect the anomalies, paradoxes and inconsistencies inherent in the human experience?

Vast exposure to the portrayal of pessimistic individual life experiences invites contemporary readers to broaden their understanding of anomalies, paradoxes and inconsistencies engrossed via human experiences. <-- great start! George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) <-- avoid using inverted commas for text titles as they can be easily confused with textual quotes (for evidence); italicise text titles if typing or underline if handwriting utilises elements inof a dystopian society to explore themes of control and existentialism <-- get away from talking about "themes" and briefly describe how control and existentialism link to Orwell's context and your contemporary context - also link to the question! conveyed through the character of Winston Smith. <-- specifically and fully address the question in this sentence; this is your thesis statement! Elements inherent in this dystopian society significantly attribute the representation of entrapping human experience that is ruled through authority and fear to govern individuals in 1984. Evidently, the portrayal of the human experience in 1984 can be recognised by the audience presented by various anomalies, paradoxes and haphazard <-- this word is an adjective and thus doesn't make grammatical sense here.

AThe world of inhumanity and despair in 1984 where self-identity is extinguished and replaced by mindless devotion is a portrayal of individuals' via inconsistencies and anomalies. Orwell highlights the theme of control <-- again, don't talk about "themes"; talk about how control affects individuals and highlights their inconsistencies and anomalies over the populace of 1984 described by Winston. “There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment” whereby this quote <-- improve quote integration and try not to use such large quotes uses a diction voice <-- this is not a technique; what kind of technique are you trying to refer to in other words? to establish the atmosphere of trepidation and constant surveillance from Winston’s character to exemplify the loss of independence and identity through drifting apart from contemporary societies as an anomaly representing the individual human experiences. <-- sentence wayyyy too long. link to question needed to conclude the para

Inconsistencies of the individual human experience with relapses of past memories occur with Winston <-- is this the end of the sentence? ``Within twenty years at most, he reflected never use past tense when describing the events of a text - only present tense, the huge and simple <-- way too informal question ‘Was life better before the Revolution than it is now?’” is the primary tool of control and use of didactic diction significantly evokes the level of doubt towards society from Winston and his persona represented through human experience inconsistencies inherent in Winston. Moreover, the pursuit of Winston’s existentialism is a prevalent notion conveyed through writings in his diary, “Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows” where this quote encompasses the motif of “2 plus 2 equals 5” is an implicit contradiction to Winston’s belief as an anomaly in society restricting expression of humanistic values due to forcefully following the conundrum in portraying oppressive society in 1984 of meaningless existence of life during the time. Additionally, the quest for existentialism is the main convention of Winston’s character and importance to represent individuality in a dystopian society. Evidently, contemporary societies can reflect upon themes present in individual human experiences; to a significant extent 1984 excels in portraying loss of individuality through anomalies and inconsistencies.

Collective human experiences are essential to illustrate the atmosphere engrossed by paradoxes and themes. Subtle uses of the triad are highlighted in 1984 when mentioning the words of “Oceania, Eastasia and Eurasia”, usesing tricolon to essentially represent the completion of the party attempting to perpetuate it as a method of control. <-- reword; awkward phrasing here On the contrary, triads imply the notion the party is omnipotent and omnipresent which promotes utilitarianism. “War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength” establishes the paradox the ironic truth of Oceania’s prevalent slogan where recognised by Winston’s existentialist notions but blindly followed by the Proles in 1984. Additionally, Orwell’s use of caliginous <-- this is a literary term; not sure if it's appropriate for use in an analytical essay - would be better for a creative piece reality illustrates the collective human experience to reflect on paradoxes evident in 1984 “The society he lives in strips its citizens not only of their freedom but of their very humanity.” the word “strips’ exemplifies the hyperbole link to breach of individuality and lack of freedom present in 1984’s oppressive regime. Ultimately, use of triads emphasises the pessimistic collective experience and demonstrates the subtle reverberation within Proles as a portrayal of paradoxes, while a lack of individuality and freedom hinders meaningful human existence. <-- good conclusion!

To conclude, inconsistencies, paradoxes and anomalies precisely establish control and existentialism. <-- relate to human condition, as question asks Evidently, accentuated in Orwell’s dystopian society the portrayal of collective and individual human experiences are influenced by the pessimistic atmosphere of constant surveillance and calingious caliginous <-- this is a literary term; not sure if it's appropriate for use in an analytical essay - would be better for a creative piece reality regarding lack of individuality & freedom. <-- this sentence doesn't make grammatical sense In contrast, Winston's revenge on the existential paradigm is essential to reflect upon aforementioned core themes to a significant extent regarding the instability of human experiences. final philosophical statement needed (maybe can finish off with a unique quote from a critic that simultaneously doesn't open a whole new can of worms in your essay)

Thanks for your feedback in advance.
Strengths:
- Very explicit addressment of the question in the very first sentence of your essay
- Good use of context
- Good concluding sentence in last body para

Opportunities to improve:
- Integrate quotes into your sentences similar to how newspapers do - break them up into chunks
- Follow PEEL structure (or whichever acronym you're comfortable with) for body paragraphs (3-4 examples and explanations - aka quotes, techniques + analyses - needed per para)
- I feel like your body paragraphs overlap - especially first and second - with each other. Avoid doing this as it gets messy and confusing for the marker (and probably the writer, too!). The question has actually given you the three topics you need to address in your essay - anomalies, paradoxes and inconsistencies - so let all of them shine by giving each of them their own body paragraph
- You need to directly address the "to what extent" part at all points of your essay (esp. intro, conclusion, topic and concluding sentences of body para's) - significantly? not at all? to a moderate extent? somewhat? Decide!
- Revise punctuation, especially regarding speech marks and when to put commas and full stops

Resources (Google them):
- How to structure and punctuate direct speech in fiction
- The Ultimate Nineteen Eighty-Four Cheatsheet | Common Module
- Orwell's 1984 and the concept of Powerlessness - a literary criticism that you can directly quote in your essay (will impress markers with your breadth of reading and consideration of others' perspectives!)
 

easyAessay

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Open for feedback again!! :) Feel free to send me your paragraphs (max 250 words per person)
 

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